I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Xylophonist Shredding It
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
She: I like Cats
He:
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”