According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
is this a warning or an offer?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”