The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince