If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.