Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls