Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
You Might Also Like
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.