EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal