Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Tastes like chicken.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no