I have so many questions.
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.