Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Practicing safe sax
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??