Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.