An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are