“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji