At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane