Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.