Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great