me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.