what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”