Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours