[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.