[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
#Caturday
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!