I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
o shit
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I love the National Park Service.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”