They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics