Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here