#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
You Might Also Like
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Dead sexy!!
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean