When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Cannot stop laughing at this
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.