An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand