Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous