Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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So glad we cleared that up
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
You learn something every day
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?