Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.