Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.