my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.