no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.