“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some