wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?