I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Welcome to the stomach
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming