Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
You Might Also Like
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
How wrong was this guy?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.