At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You Might Also Like
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
the short answer to this question
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything