[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“i am a sweet baby”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field