2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.