I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You Might Also Like
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Encore…
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.