My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
need him
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.