6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
courtroom exchange of the day
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.