Stop it! 😂
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.