Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
You Might Also Like
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol