Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG