*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
notice
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
men are simple creatures
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.