Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?