I might carry a baby with one hand.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Every time my phone rings
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: my friends:
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid