Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.